On failure.

I want desperately to be a gardener. I want to love the feel of dirt on my hands and the sight of budding life enough to work at cultivating and nurturing nature. But I am not a gardener. I love the idea of gardening enough to cultivate the dream, but not enough to pursue the action necessary. So my impossible to kill oregano and mint plants wither away beyond saving and my succulents barely survive despite and not because of my efforts.

I've been thinking often of failure, lately. I am a first year teacher, after all, and the hosts tell me that the first year is one of trial and error, heavy on the error. In my American Lit class, we are just getting into The Scarlet Letter. The story is one of failure and shame. The heroine's failure is flaunted before society as a warning against sin. The persistence of the public shaming may also be connected to the fear of being identified with the sinner. The society sees blatantly in Hester Prynne what they feel subtly in their own hearts. Punishing her openly for an extended period of time suppresses that sin for at least a little while and distracts anyone who may otherwise catch a glimpse.

So what's the connection between Hester and my dead herbs?

Both attest to the inevitable presence of failure. People mess up--either in big sin ways or in small forgetful ways. In my job I often feel I am trying balance armfuls of overflowing dishes while trying to scoot the one I just broke into the corner before anyone notices. I feel guilty when I mess up and reassess every move I made to try and figure out what went wrong. Then I throw together a list of goals with a to do list tacked on to get me to my next finish line flawlessly, glowing with success, staggering under the weight of admiration.

The issue here is that I believe I can eradicate failure from my life. More that that, I believe I should eradicate failure from my life. But when I put the pressure of perfection on myself I am denying reality.

Reality demands a finer line: accepting without settling for failure.

Acceptance of my failure past, present and even future is a good thing. Acceptance says, "Yes, you are here." Settling, on the other hand, says, "Yes, you are here and we deserve each other. Might as well get used to it."

Only one thing empowers this acceptance while preventing the seemingly natural progression into settling. In Christ, my failure is redeemed and my future is a promise. The fear of failure no longer needs to drive me to fear-filled shaming of myself or other people. In the amazing freedom of an identity entirely separate from my failure, I can actually start to learn and grow.

And just maybe I can push through all that failure and grow something in God's green earth while I'm at it.